You do you, I’ll do me.

“You do you. I’ll do me.” “You’re a grown ass man.” “I’ll be here if you want to join.” “I’m good, I’ll pass.” I find myself saying that more and more to people. It’s really turning into a mantra now.  I find it to be the case because as I get older, and I have grown closer to my wife, I’ve started to change my definition of happy.  

For a long time I was happy being the tag along. The go with the flow guy. I was always up for whatever, and people always asked me to go and do whatever it was. I could only be that guy with other people around though. I had played that roll for so long that it left me at odds with myself when I was alone. I didn’t really know how to do it.

Bad Luck Brian strikes again….

Over the past few years I’ve somewhat flipped the switch. It’s made some people uncomfortable that I’m not always willing to go with their flow. I’m no longer the down for whatever anyone else wants to do guy.  I have to tell you I like not being that guy anymore. There is a freedom I have now that my comfort isn’t tied to anyone other than me and my wife.

It’s not a perfect system, and it’s not as rigid as it might seem.  I am still pretty laid back and willing to go with the flow. I have, however, learned to take control of that flow and choose what part of it I want to affect me and leave the rest. It has helped me develop a new confidence in myself.  

Me in every job interview. 

I am still, and will be for a long time, in the process of developing this quiet confidence. That inner strength that I can draw from. I owe that solely to a strong constant practice of introspection. The practice has been fueled by tragic events, by an unwavering encouragement from Alle, and a strong reliance on my faith.

This introspection has been critical for me being able to find my principles. It has helped me define the core values that I want to live my life by.  It has given me the confidence to be a better husband. To work to be a better husband. To take a stand, not only for myself, but for my wife and one day our children. Who doesn’t want to be a man to look up to?

 

It’s also been a scathing process to really challenge the way I see myself.  I have had to make hard choices. I have had to cut people right out of my life. The drama filled people. The people that are stuck in a negative or childlike frame of mind. The people that just refuse to grow up. The people who get down in the mud and try to pull everyone down with them.

Tuck and roll Timmy!!

One of the major side effects of this new found attitude I have been trying to cultivate over the past few years has been compassion.  Being able to be compassionate for other people and not make it about me.  “I don’t believe in God.” A friend of mine said that to me recently, and there’s no way I was going to respond “Well you do you man.” He needed someone to listen and I had no problem listening. If I had not had the conviction in my faith that I have been working on, I don’t know how I would have reacted to a statement like that. Who knows, maybe I would have agreed.

What I do know is that the more I look into my own principles, my own reliance, the more I’m able to stand up for myself and my beliefs. Not in an argumentative defensive way, but in a way that allows me to speak with authority. It has created some really in depth conversations about life and being a husband. It has helped me see where others are weak, and where they are strong. It’s given me an opportunity to share my world with others and glean knowledge from them that I can use.

No wonder he’s man’s best friend. 

We live in a gray world. Nothing is as black and white as we’d like it to be.  Without core values to live by, it becomes easy to be gray in a gray world.  I don’t mind taking my stance on things and finding my anchors in the definite black and whites.  That’s how I can stay in the flow but not be a part of it.  

There’s a black and white truthfulness about the phrase “You do you, I’ll do me.” It’s an attitude, that is invigorating and empowering. I can only control myself and my actions. To those that are in my direct sphere of influence, I can do my best to please and make happy, but I can’t control their happiness, more importantly they can’t control mine.

There is prayer that I find myself saying quite often. I am asking for help in accepting things that can’t be changed, changing things that can be, and wisdom to know the difference.  It’s a simple prayer. Most know it as the Serenity Prayer. I encourage you when you face a difficult situation, or feel like you might be letting someone down because you have chosen to do something you wanted to do, to say this prayer. You do you the best you know how.  I’ll do me to the best of my ability.  

 

 

 

4:30 AM

I woke up at 4:30 AM this morning after a fitful sleep. I rolled over and thought I would just be able to go back to sleep. “If I just close my eyes I’ll drift back to sleep and next thing I know my alarm will go off and I’ll be rested.” I looked back at the clock. 4:32 AM.  2 hours to go until my alarm goes off and I did what every “normal” 29 year old adult does; I laid there hoping, praying, that I would just fall asleep.

One of the amazing things about being half asleep half awake is that the mind is able to function normally without all the regular stimulus to distract it. That’s exactly what my mind did. It raced back and forth, from “Why the hell did I think I can start an organic garden,” to “I really hate not eating Pizza Rolls, this new diet sucks.” I eventually landed on a conversation I had with my wife earlier that evening.

 

Alle told me about something she read earlier that day where a woman  had somewhere important to go and wanted to get her hair done and a manicure. Simple and easy. Any woman reading will agree, “Yes that makes sense, she wants to look nice.”  This particular woman asked her husband if it was ok. He said no. Not “we can’t afford it,” or “this is the third time this month for this stuff.” The wife indicates she hasn’t done any personal pampering in 9 months, and they can easily afford it. I’m sure there was more to it, at least I hope there was, but that’s all we know.

Well obviously (to me) I think that’s ridiculous. Why would he say no?  At the risk of sounding like a kiss ass, I love it when my wife goes to get her hair and nails done. I encourage it on the regular. Here’s why. When she feels pretty I benefit.  It’s an entirely selfishly selfless thing for me to do. And she loves doing it.  She gets her hair cut and colored every 3 months and spends plenty of time getting her nails done, and ever time she comes home going “look at how pretty I am!” and I get to tell her “I love it! You look beautiful.”

We Both Win. 

So When I hear about a husband that forbids his wife from doing something that will benefit them both my first impression is “Wow seems kind of cold of the husband.” My second impression is “That husband is an idiot.” And my third thought is “why doesn’t the wife tell the husband it’s important?” But I don’t really know the circumstances. The only thing I know is that this woman didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to her husband about how this bothered her. It made me wonder if I’ve ever done something like that to my wife. Have I ever just shut her down without thinking about it? I can’t think of anything off the top of my head… why is that? It must be a good thing I guess.

These are the things that kept me up this morning, the stupidity of this guy, and wondering if I was just as stupid.  But I know from my own experience, that the most glaring thing here that bugs me is the lack of communication between husband and wife. She wants something, asks him, he says no, she’s hurt and turns away to the internet for advice. This is all too common in our generation. Why are people so scared to say what they feel to their spouses?  Maybe it’s because the issue will go away on it’s own, or we won’t have to deal with it if we ignore it. Maybe it’s because the internet is full of sympathy. Maybe your spouse is a jerk that yells and screams a lot (both men and women are capable of that kind of abuse.)

Alle and I very early on in our dating concentrated on communication. I’m proud to say we communicate very well, but much like any actual skill it takes practice, time to develop, and a fine tuning on a regular basis. It’s not an achievement that can be finished. It is an on going and ever changing process that requires both spouses to be active in.

It is certainly not easy.  It is hard. It is really hard. It is awkward at times, and it is so so beneficial when you finally click and get the hang of it. I think our focus on communication is likely why I can’t think of any time that I shut her down or she shut me down, because we talk about things we want. More importantly we discuss things we need. Whenever we are asked what the most important aspect of our relationship is we answer unanimously “communication.”

I saw someone on a website I frequent put up “My wife thanked me today for putting my phone away for dinner….the battery was dead.” Are you kidding me? Everyone is guilty of taking their phone out for one reason or another. I am guilty. You are guilty. Even if someone told me they have never ever taken their phone out while eating with someone else I wouldn’t believe them. But to have it escalate to this point?

Get it together. … I actually said that outloud to myself at this guy. Get it together. If you are behind a screen so much so that to not be in front of it is considered an achievement you have major problems. I will bet my bottom dollar that relationship is not in a good spot.

I’m putting the onus of this on the man. GUYS put your damn phone away and ask your wife or girlfriend or whoever how their day was. Look them in the eye and nod as you listen. Respond with words that are formed from thoughts that were given to you by what you have heard! No more of this attitude of “all she does is complain about work and talk about blah blah blah.” You’d be amazed at what could happen if you just say what comes to your mind in response to listening to your wife.

You may be sitting there thinking, that’s all well and good but communication is a two way street. You are correct. It is a two way street. You have to give and take. Someone has to start. Someone has to LEAD. And just like you can’t always wait for her to pick up your dirty underwear you can’t always wait for her to start the conversation.  I promise once you change your behavior for good, she will see it and follow.

A large part of communication for Alle and me is being able to do self checks. The best self checks come right after arguments. Once the heat dies down it helps so much to say to yourself “What did I do to cause this, and what can I do to prevent this later on?” Better yet, ask your wife.  WHOO the benefits of talking about your deficiencies and your weaknesses with your wife are amazing. It is hard. It is scary admitting “I did things wrong what do I need to do to make them better.” But I promise it will bring you closer. It gets easier.

You are already in a relationship. Sack up and act like it. This goes especially for the married. You committed to that person for a reason. To share your life together. So share your life! Take interest in what they do and say. Even when you don’t like it, or “it isn’t your thing”. She’s your wife, so whatever her thing is it’s yours too now, and that is a good thing. Listen to what she has to say and respond. Talk about everything.  You can break any wall down, break any barrier, and truly learn to love your wife wholly if you just start by talking.

Here’s a quick and easy list of things to do.

1. Ask “How was your day?” First thing when everyone gets settled in from work. If you get “Fine,” follow it up with another question. “How is ..what’s her face?” “What project are you working on?” “What is frustrating you at work?” You’re clever, so I’m sure you’ll take it from there
2. Cook together.  Holy smokes did our relationship change when I started just hanging out in the kitchen with her.  After a few weeks I just grabbed the big knife (because knives are cool) and said “I’m your sous chef now! Give me things to cut!”
3. Walk/Run/Bike/ do something active together. Get yourself together, get up and get out. There are 10 million apps that you can use for fitness, but take the earphones out and just try to enjoy the person next to you. Alle and I started our relationship early by running and some of our most important conversations were spurred but just being next to each other in the silence.

 

I’m glad communities exist out there for women and men to be able to type their concerns out, to seek wisdom of others, to solve problems they are having. It is so important for us as people to be able to seek out solutions. But other people will not communicate for you. This is the time to put on your big boy pants and talk to your woman. Be a man. Take care of your woman. If you are married take care of your family, even if your family is only 2.