I want it all…

5’10”. approximately 220 lbs. Bald. Muscular build. He had a red T-shirt on displaying the name of his alma mater, designer blue jeans and expensive looking boots. On his wrist was, what i can only assume to be, an expensive designer gold watch. It was hard to miss since it was easily over 44mm, that and it was about as gold as gold can get in the jewelry world.

You see Watson, the larger the watch the more manly the man. It’s elementary. 

This guy was loud, and boisterous, making and laughing at a lot of jokes. With a beer in one hand and all the flair of telling an impressive story about how he just recently bought something expensive in the other hand.   As I watched him sidled up to two young women at a table, pull a chair up without invitation, whip out a money clip stacked with $20s and proceed to start buying them drinks I couldn’t help but think about what goes on when he’s not at the bar or the gym.

What’s this guy do for a living? Judging by the cover, he must have some really good job to be able to afford all that stuff, and have all that cash on hand.  I wonder what he drives. I bet it’s nicer than my car.  Shoot everything I can see on him is nicer than anything I own.  I bet his shoes cost over $200 and his jeans nearly the same. He’s certainly a lot stronger than I am…..I bet he has abs….. I wish I had abs, but I don’t ever have the time to do work on them.

But wait!! THERE’S MORE!!!

This is my whole train of thought.  This went on for a while until Alle snapped me back into reality. Then I realized something. I do this all the time.  When people talk about struggles with self-image, it is usually about women. Not many people give thought to the fact that men have a lot of the same issues.  But it’s not always a body envy issue, at least not for me.  I always find myself comparing things. Cars, clothes, houses, jobs, income etc…

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t necessarily know it, but I am constantly sizing other men up.  Making snap judgments based on what I can see in a passing glance to see if I’m better off.  Taking a larger look at how this plays into my everyday life, it seems that I’m drawing my self-worth on how I stack up to strangers  that I’ll never see again. That’s bonkers.

I want to tell you that this is all someone elses fault.  I’m a product of society! I was born into a culture that is “Get Get Get!” To some extent that must be true.  The guy with the nice car, clothes, and money seems to always get the girl.  On the other hand, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors for those people, for this guy at the bar that in every measure I can see, except I have hair so ha!, I don’t match up to.

 

Maybe he’s born with it…

This week I spent most of my free thinking time trying to discern where I truly get my self-worth from.  Alle helps a lot because she’s fantastic at verbally praising me. As the day goes on, those praises don’t sustain my self worth, so what else does.  My job is great and I love what I do, but everyone has bad days, and I can go home feeling pretty worthless on those days.

So my job gives me self-worth, but not always. I can find my worth in my relationship, which is great, but I still find myself with a longing for something deeper.  I know no matter what pair of jeans, or fancy watch I have eventually that feeling will fade, and my watch box is already full.

So where do I feel whole? What fills that void that my job, my income, my stuff can’t fill?

And the answer is….

Christ is the easy answer (bet you didn’t see that coming).  I feel whole and confident when I talk about my faith, or when I pray, or when I attend the Holy Mass. I feel whole when I can find ways to serve Alle, just doing little chores, or big things like repainting a room(I’ll do it later this month I promise!). I find my worth because it brings me closer to Alle, and when I can do it in a prayerful state of mind to serve her like Joseph served Mary, it brings me closer to Christ.

I always ask St. Joseph to pray for me.  I think every husband should.  Wives ask  St. Joseph to pray for your husband.  He needs it.  I know for certain my daily reading on St. Joseph has helped me just this past week with this outward focus, and to turn it inward. This whole week every time I have sized someone up, I have had the voice in my  head repeat over and over, “You sufficiently provide for your family. That is enough.”

Being able to tell myself that what I do, and what I have is more than enough for myself and Alle, and our future children, has helped put me at ease. Of all the times in the year I picked December to start thinking about what I have is enough, I can ignore that sweet deal on the hover board.

BUT THEY ARE SO COOL!

What I’ve learned, and it’s a lesson that keeps being taught to me, is that I don’t need things. I need my faith. I need my family. I need my friends.  To love and to serve with humility is really what gives me inner peace.  To know that I can always put those three things before myself gives me a sense of duty and wholeness that nothing I buy can.

I encourage everyone to take some time and ask God for some humility to accept what you have as sufficient.  I know I am.  I am asking God to help me be more like St. Joseph and know that working hard and providing for my family with a prayerful mind will be enough. It really is the season of giving, and I know that if we all give a little bit, we can all feel how much we will be getting.

Here’s your Joy!

6 Months…

It’s been 6 months since my last post. I had a grandiose idea that this blog would be completed every week for the entire first year of my marriage. That’s 52 posts. 

Well here we are. I’ve been married for 13.5 months and still have single digits for blog posts. 

“What happened to that plan DH? Is this just another DH job? Half baked and half executed?”  ….probably…. but I hope not! Look life got in my way. I had a plan and God laughed when I told it to him. 

Vacations happens, I changed jobs. Alle got a promotion. Holidays, birthdays, farmers markets, day trips, just being a happy newly wed couple that never stops planning things got in the way. 

Some things got put on the back burner. Challenges arose. Like the fact that I’m doing this post on my phone, in a waiting room to get my windshield replaced for the next 3 hours, as opposed to a laptop. I used to use my old work computer, and my new job doesn’t require me to have a take home laptop so phone it is. 

So I’m in the spot that so many of us are in. I’m 30, with a new job, a new marriage, and my life is moving at 100mph and I’m trying to keep up. 

One thing that has been put on that back burner is my personal prayer life. I go to church every Sunday, and to a prayer hour in the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel at my church every Thursday.  That’s no bueno. 2/7 days in prayer is hardly a flourishing personal prayer life. 

That hasn’t stopped me from trying! 

This past weekend I was blessed to attend The Choice Wine marriage conference in Jacksonville. Alle and I hustled 14.5 hours in the car down and back with the one day event smashed in between. Those doing math can tell you that’s 29 hours in a car and an 8 hour conference in 3 days. I’m still alive and I’m convince Alle loves me more now. 

We listened to speakers from all over such as Danielle Bean, John Pridmore, Mark and Katie Hartfiel, and founder of Paradisus Dei Steve Bollman. 

They talked about marriage and the fight for the family in our culture. The need for couples to spend intimate time together in prayer. The struggle for so many that get married and expect it to work without doing the work. It was very inspirational, and I know Alle and I are committed to doing the hard work necessary to not just have a happy marriage, but a super abundant marriage. 

Katie Hartfiel told an incredible story of her broken childhood home and her commitment to praying for her husband. Before she even met him her prayers for him were a direct result of his conversion on the other side of the country. 

What I heard in that talk was “Pray for your spouse.” I pray for Alle every day. But honestly it’s prayers that her day goes well and that should she have challenges she get through them with a smile. This weekend reminded me I need to be praying for her soul, her desire for God, her constant daily conversion to choose the Christ path. 

John Pridmore talked next. This guy is incredible. He spent time in prison, like 23 hour solitary prison, ran with some very danger gangs in London, and has been part of some serious underworld scenarios. His conversion is amazing. “I use to never go anywhere without my gun, now I don’t go anywhere without my rosary.” Check out his story

John gave his life to Christ and it showed me that it takes a serious show of will and determination to choose the Christ path every day. But even a sinner like me can be loved. Every time I fall all I have to do is take the first step and ask for forgiveness and I will always be forgiven. That’s just awe inspiring. 

Two great talks about personal prayer and conversion. The need we all have to pray, but also to receive the graces of others prayers. I could feel my soul just recharging. 

The next talk was given by Danielle Bean. This woman is just something else. She is a child in a family of 9 and a mother of 8 more. Her whole talk was about communication styles and when someone doesn’t communicate the way you want, that’s ok, just tell them. Her best line, “Put your stupid phones away! It is coming between you and your spouse.”

Put you phone down right now and tell your spouse you love them. I’ll wait. 

We capped off the day with a practical and faith filled talk by Steve Bollman. He talked about marriage stats and gave 7 steps to a super abundant marriage.

In my life that is already going at 100 mph it seems rather annoying to try to fit one more thing in to concentrate on let alone 7. But when I do an examination of my day and realize how much of it is wasted on dumb things like Social media, video games, tv, etc I can’t really say I don’t have time. 

And you can’t convince me you don’t have time either. It’s so hard for all of us to take time to put effort into something. It’s easy to sit and binge Netflix for 2 hours. It’s the same reason as to why I can say I don’t want to watch a movie because it’s too much effort, but I’ll watch three seasons of Last Man Standing in one night. Now it’s 1 am and I’m contemplating my life choices. 

With so much happening I think we all need to take a step back. Examine our days. What went right, what went wrong and what can we do to improve. 

With the state of  politics and social issues right now, everyone has come up with a view point an opinion that is better than all the other. It’s unique and special, just like everyone else’s. 

If you want to affect real change, it starts with yourself. Focus your energy and attention to bettering yourself. The whole plank in your eye before a splinter in the other train of thought. 

Sant Pope John Paul the great put it perfectly. If we really want to change this world we will need a serious amount of. Godly help, but we can do it in our own homes every day. “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” 

So my challenge to myself is to do a 30 pray devotional to Saint Joseph. The ultimate husband and father. If that guy can sacrifice for 30 years, I can pray for 30 days for myself, my wife, and my marriage. That’s how I’m going to affect real change in this world. How about you?

E is for Foundation.

I remember my dad telling me when I was younger that the proper way to build a house is to pour the foundation and let it sit for a year.  The neighborhood I grew up in was only ⅓ developed when my family moved there so I always had the great fortune to go explore half built houses with my dad.  

Mom and Dad are going to love the ball pit addition.

 

It was always amazing to walk through the space that would normally be the front door, into the skeleton of an unfinished house. Walking on the subflooring and looking up straight into what would later be the attic gave me an odd sense of uneasiness. Breathing in the  smell of fresh cut lumber mixed with dirt and the vague hint of concrete dust floating in the air always dried my mouth out. It was hard as a young kid to picture what the finished product of the house would look like when all you could see was space, frames, wires, and ducts.  

My dad would take me through the house and explain everything that was happening. “This wire is a power line. They will have an outlet here.  This line is for plumbing, we are standing in the bathroom.  That pipe there is for cold water and probably going to run to the sink in the kitchen.”

I couldn’t picture any of that.  

I would always wonder what  the family that would move into that place would be like. Are they going to be happy or sad? Will it be filled with jokes and laughter at a dinner table?  Will they have a huge TVor a dog? Will the kids all get their own rooms? Would the kids get a TV in their room?

This will be my bathroom attached to my closet. Your stuff can go in the closet under the basement stairs.

Of course it’s really hard to see the big picture of something by looking at the small details as a kid.   Shoot it’s hard as an adult to sit and think about the nuts and bolts of life and plan them according to an outcome that you want.  

Now that I’m a homeowner, and have to fix things on my own, I’m more inclined to think about cracks in walls, proper insulation and wondering if the house has a basement.  The one thing I always think about whenever I enter a house though is the foundation.  Was it poured and left to settle in the newly disturbed soil? Or was the construction rushed leaving the the foundation to settle at different rates in different spots?

Taking the time to have a proper foundation won’t prevent things from going wrong, but a solid foundation can certainly make life a lot easier in the long run.  Without the proper foundation for whatever it is you’re going to struggle through it.  

I remember a few years ago I ran the Indy Mini Marathon.  13.1 miles.  I trained for 4 months for it.  I finished in an 1:45. I’m proud of that.  I found out a buddy of mine ran it too and hadn’t trained one day for it.  Took him almost 4 hours to finish.  

Crossed the line… COUNT IT!

Hey at least he finished right? Good for him.  It took him a lot longer, and I’m sure the next day he felt all 4 months of my pain that I trained away.  In my house we would call that a Darling Husband Job.  

Dar·lingˈ- Hus·band – Job

därliNG/  ˈhəzbənd/ jäb/

Adjective

1. The act of jumping into a task with little to no prior knowledge or prep which leads to a longer and more expensive solution than anticipated.

“Honey I found the leak in the tube. The guy at the hardware store said all I have to do is cut the tube here, and then put these fittings on. I’m pretty sure I can fix this.”

Always wear your safety gear for fixing the sink.

I don’t mind doing a DH job on something around the house. It gives me a chance to be handy and learn something new about home ownership.   There are a million things I find myself wishing weren’t a DH job though.  I think “if only I had started this years ago and had the stuck with it, this would be so much easier now.”  

If only I had stayed true to my vow to do 50 push-ups every day, I’d be really strong now.  Made that promise to myself in junior high.  18 years later, I’d be doing push-ups like Gaston.  If only I had started reading everyday when I was in elementary school, most of my books wouldn’t need pictures in them now.  If only…. Well you get the idea.  If I had only started something then, I’d be great at it now.

I don’t have the ability to go back and say “GET IT TOGETHER! Do the hard work now and in 18 years your future self won’t have to worry about getting started, he will already have laid the foundation for being strong and smart and awesome.”

I do have today though. And so do you. This is the day that we buck up and put on our big boy pants.  This is the day we do push-ups until our arms shake. Today we pick up that book and read something. Today we pick up the pen and write something.   Today we pick that one thing that has been sitting our minds and take the time to do it.  Don’t say there isn’t time. There is if you make it.

Today we walk through the bare bones of our own house, picture what we want that  place to be, and start building the foundation for it.  It is time to stop being boys who wish for things to be easy, and our chance to be men who recognize weakness and change it to greatness.  

One of my favorite quotes growing up as an athlete was “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  I thought that mostly was meant for muscles.  It applies to everything in my life now. It is a mindset now.  I have to put forth a tremendous amount of effort now to be a fearless man.  

Be this kind of Ted. Not this kind

 

It takes effort to think of others and put family first.  It takes effort to get off the couch and into the yard. It takes a lot of effort to do push-ups, pull-ups and sit-ups. It takes effort to pray on your own, and as a family daily. It takes effort to better yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

This is my idea of a modern fearless man.  A man that can take care of himself and his family mentally physically and spiritually.  One that thirsts for ways to make himself and everyone around him better.  One that isn’t afraid to learn new things, make mistakes, and get dirty. A man that recognizes his ability to lead and isn’t afraid to give that position up.  Something we as men are constantly being told we must surrender.  

We have ended up with guys who make their wives put down the dog because they “can’t handle something that sad” because we as men have been convinced that our wives are the absolute leaders of the family and it’s ok to be treated and act like another child. That’s why so many people say to dads now, “Oh you must be babysitting while mommy is away!”  Men aren’t even expected to parent anymore.  

 

If men aren’t even expected to actually parent anymore, there’s no surprise that they have no problem not getting mother’s day gifts for their wives, or going out with their buddies every night while the Mrs. stays home with the 4 kids.  

At Home Dad.org

This is what we are told a modern man looks like.  A passive part of the family that wives are in charge of.  We aren’t even expected to put any effort into our world outside of work.

Effort is the foundation of what it takes to be a true modern man. It’s not worth doing if you aren’t going to put in the effort, and the reward for that effort will always be great than doing nothing at all. Effort is certainly the foundation of what it takes to be a husband.  And even though I have no kids, I’m going to go ahead and assume that this foundation will be necessary when I do.  

When the effort isn’t made to build a house correctly, cracks begin to form in the walls, doors begin to jam, leaks form spring from the foundation soon after it’s built. Over time every house settles, and we all have to do maintenance. If you’re not making the effort to maintain your house and home, it’ll only be a matter of time before it all comes crumbling down.

Take charge of  your weakness. Turn it into a greatness.  Start small, with a little perseverance we can make that small fix into a habit, and that habit into a virtue.  

Consider this your first brick.

 

 

You do you, I’ll do me.

“You do you. I’ll do me.” “You’re a grown ass man.” “I’ll be here if you want to join.” “I’m good, I’ll pass.” I find myself saying that more and more to people. It’s really turning into a mantra now.  I find it to be the case because as I get older, and I have grown closer to my wife, I’ve started to change my definition of happy.  

For a long time I was happy being the tag along. The go with the flow guy. I was always up for whatever, and people always asked me to go and do whatever it was. I could only be that guy with other people around though. I had played that roll for so long that it left me at odds with myself when I was alone. I didn’t really know how to do it.

Bad Luck Brian strikes again….

Over the past few years I’ve somewhat flipped the switch. It’s made some people uncomfortable that I’m not always willing to go with their flow. I’m no longer the down for whatever anyone else wants to do guy.  I have to tell you I like not being that guy anymore. There is a freedom I have now that my comfort isn’t tied to anyone other than me and my wife.

It’s not a perfect system, and it’s not as rigid as it might seem.  I am still pretty laid back and willing to go with the flow. I have, however, learned to take control of that flow and choose what part of it I want to affect me and leave the rest. It has helped me develop a new confidence in myself.  

Me in every job interview. 

I am still, and will be for a long time, in the process of developing this quiet confidence. That inner strength that I can draw from. I owe that solely to a strong constant practice of introspection. The practice has been fueled by tragic events, by an unwavering encouragement from Alle, and a strong reliance on my faith.

This introspection has been critical for me being able to find my principles. It has helped me define the core values that I want to live my life by.  It has given me the confidence to be a better husband. To work to be a better husband. To take a stand, not only for myself, but for my wife and one day our children. Who doesn’t want to be a man to look up to?

 

It’s also been a scathing process to really challenge the way I see myself.  I have had to make hard choices. I have had to cut people right out of my life. The drama filled people. The people that are stuck in a negative or childlike frame of mind. The people that just refuse to grow up. The people who get down in the mud and try to pull everyone down with them.

Tuck and roll Timmy!!

One of the major side effects of this new found attitude I have been trying to cultivate over the past few years has been compassion.  Being able to be compassionate for other people and not make it about me.  “I don’t believe in God.” A friend of mine said that to me recently, and there’s no way I was going to respond “Well you do you man.” He needed someone to listen and I had no problem listening. If I had not had the conviction in my faith that I have been working on, I don’t know how I would have reacted to a statement like that. Who knows, maybe I would have agreed.

What I do know is that the more I look into my own principles, my own reliance, the more I’m able to stand up for myself and my beliefs. Not in an argumentative defensive way, but in a way that allows me to speak with authority. It has created some really in depth conversations about life and being a husband. It has helped me see where others are weak, and where they are strong. It’s given me an opportunity to share my world with others and glean knowledge from them that I can use.

No wonder he’s man’s best friend. 

We live in a gray world. Nothing is as black and white as we’d like it to be.  Without core values to live by, it becomes easy to be gray in a gray world.  I don’t mind taking my stance on things and finding my anchors in the definite black and whites.  That’s how I can stay in the flow but not be a part of it.  

There’s a black and white truthfulness about the phrase “You do you, I’ll do me.” It’s an attitude, that is invigorating and empowering. I can only control myself and my actions. To those that are in my direct sphere of influence, I can do my best to please and make happy, but I can’t control their happiness, more importantly they can’t control mine.

There is prayer that I find myself saying quite often. I am asking for help in accepting things that can’t be changed, changing things that can be, and wisdom to know the difference.  It’s a simple prayer. Most know it as the Serenity Prayer. I encourage you when you face a difficult situation, or feel like you might be letting someone down because you have chosen to do something you wanted to do, to say this prayer. You do you the best you know how.  I’ll do me to the best of my ability.  

 

 

 

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

“I need a thing” he said to me “I’m in a rut and I need a thing.”  I offered a suggestion, but it was of no interest to him.  “Yea… You need a thing.” Was all I could say after that.  How many times have I been there? In that same seat, feeling the same way.  “Everything is going well for me, but I don’t have a thing. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I sleep. That’s all I do and I’m bored.” You are lying to me/yourself if you try to tell me you’ve never been here, and it likely isn’t the first or the last time.

This world we are in is full of things to do.  I would say at this moment we as a society have more things to do with our spare time and idle hands than ever before in history, but so many of us are wandering aimlessly outside of our duties to work and family.  It’s a hard thing to realize that you don’t have something to occupy your time. Something that grips your mental, emotional, and spiritual faculties.  In this world having a “thing” that can fulfil all three is vitally important not just to people in general, but men especially.  We need a purpose men. A higher calling. A challenge. That is something that every great man has recognized and striven for.

 

So what’s keeping us from striving to be better?  It took me 29 years to come to the conclusion that “if it doesn’t make me better than I was yesterday it’s not worth doing.” Why? There are so many things out there to do in my spare time, why doesn’t anything sound good or interesting. For starters, most of the time consuming things out there are not exactly beneficial for our minds, bodies, or souls. Social Media was the beginning of a new time wasting age. It can consume people. We have also seen the greatness that can be had when Social Media is used for something good like human rights revolutions. More often than not it’s used to see what celeb looks terrible in their bathing suit, and that is what most of us use it for.

I’m reading Hero Tales from American History written by Teddy Roosevelt and Henry Cabot Lodge. 5 chapters in and it’s easy to tell you that the relating theme between each story is that the person they are talking about stays busy and outside.  They have an adventurous spirit and work tirelessly at what they are doing, which 200 years ago was basically farming, surveying the land, fighting in wars, and fighting Indians. All those things are very different time occupiers than what we have today. I don’t know what the men of the past would have done to waste time. I bet it involved gambling and drinking, or maybe sleeping, or rolling that wooden hoop down the street with a stick. I don’t know! One thing that is cross generational, that supersedes time, great men didn’t waste time or effort. Everything they did had purpose, even if it wasn’t clear at first, and especially if it wasn’t easy. This is a quote from the first chapter in an explanation of why they wrote this book.

Its purpose, as you know better than any one else, is to tell in simple fashion the story of some Americans who showed that they knew how to live and how to die; who proved their truth by their endeavor; and who joined to the stern and manly qualities which are essential to the well being of a masterful race the virtues of gentleness, of patriotism, and of lofty adherence to an ideal.

If you asked me “DH do you adhere to an ideal of stern and manly qualities?”  My first thought would be “that sounds exhausting.”  Wouldn’t that be great to say “yes” with confidence? We live in different times now, where all the land has been mapped, and there is no new frontier to conquer. The vast majority of us don’t have plots of land to till and farms to plant, and no Farmville doesn’t count.  We don’t face death behind every tree from beast or man. Our lives are remarkably easier than compared to 200 years ago. We have been given the gift of enormous amounts of free time.  

 

When I look back at the times where I was wishing for something to do, I realize i was really searching for something to define me, something that I could tell everyone about much like a Vegan or a Marathoner do. I can easily recognize now that I didn’t have an ideal. I didn’t have a lofty ideal as Teddy would say. Over the past few years I have learned that unless what I am doing has a point to it, then I am not going to be happy doing it. Now all I have to do is find the point or the ideal….  I know for a fact that’s why I wandered around doing and trying so many “things.” So if you are finding yourself wishing you had a thing to define you, an ideal to live by, you better start doing some introspection and figure out what you want to define you.  Nothing is just going to magically happen to you, you have to find an ideal, set  goals and start working towards it.

This is so easy to say and so difficult to do.  I have lived by many ideals and at times by none. I have found things that have caused great personal growth, and other things that have wasted years of my life. I have declared “This is my ideal!” And done nothing to support that.  Words without action are just that. Good intentions and nice feelings only go as far as the action that defines them.  So if you are reading this thinking “I have an ideal, but I don’t have a thing!” You have reached the time where you need to start setting goals. Start small with the one easy question to answer. “What can I do today to live by my ideal?”  Without that action, we are all just telling ourselves something that sounds nice to feel nice. It means nothing. It’s faith without works.

This goal or ideal that you choose can be anything you want it to be. My advice is to do everything, then narrow it down to what really interests you. I know plenty of people who have their “thing” be sports. Playing, watching, stats, following your favorite team etc etc. we all know what that looks like. I’m happy for them.  Don’t get me wrong I love my Colts and fantasy football. Ask my wife, we rearrange our whole week during the season. But if my goal is to live by an ideal and have my “thing” be something that achieves that goal, fantasy football and sports ain’t cuttin’ it.

Those things are great to know about, and they are entertaining and distracting. They provide plenty for me to talk to other guys about around the water cooler or a beer.  I really do enjoy lots of things that don’t line up with an ideal. Cigars, bourbon, football, fantasy football, March Madness the list of things I like goes on forever. These personal joys are extremely important for us to continue to enjoy life.  I also know that my interests change, and what I think of as entertaining now will likely change when the wind blows.. That’s why I’m glad none of these things are my “thing.” I’m not saying anything that doesn’t directly relate to a lofty ideal is bad. Infact, those things are very good. I just don’t want people to think that the Fantasy Football and March Madness define who I am.  

We all have a higher calling than what we think.  We are all born for greatness. Each one of us is born for sainthood.  It’s our job as men to open our ears to that call, to meditate on it in prayer, and to find the courage to follow it. We are called to something hard, because nothing easy was ever worth doing.  The easy path is easy because many walk it.  Don’t just be one of the many.  

Be the guy that can rattle off stats of all the college teams. Be the guy that plays video games all day. Be the guy that reads or the guy that writes. Be the gardener or the golfer or the pool player.  Shoot, do what I do and do all those things!.  But at some level be the better guy, the guy with an ideal, the one that focuses on self improvement of mind, body, and soul.  Do the things that will enrich you. You’ll find that a bit of self reflection and work will not only make you more fulfilled, but it will change your relationships.  The idea of the American Hero is no different than it was 200 years ago, the only thing that has changed is how we achieve that. Our frontier to conquer now is in the home.   Find your own path, just make sure that it’s a path that makes you a better man and a better husband. Answer the call for greatness.  The world is full of the entitled sloths who just want things to be better and aren’t willing to work to make them better.  Don’t be the average guy, we have enough of them.  

The evolution of man…

There is a popular sarcastic saying these days among those ~35 and under that goes something like “Adulting is hard.” If you know what I’m talking about you’ve seen the infinite number of memes out there on the subject.  My personal favorite is the grumpy cat version. “I tried being an adult once…. it was terrible.”  Being an adult is hard. I know I am not the only one that wakes ups and thinks “only 30 more years. Then I can retire and act like a 20 year old again.  

Now don’t get me wrong. There are so many more things I like about being an adult than I don’t. I live on my own/with my wife. I do whatever I want. I can enjoy a glass of bourbon and read a book. I play basketball with my friends. I am independent.  My biggest complaints are bills and waking up earlier than I’d like to. Those are hardly things to complain about. Up until I was about 23 I didn’t really have to think about any of those things. But here I am 29 married with a house and lots of bills that I can pay thanks to my job that I love.  That means that somewhere between 23 and 29 I had to really turn into an adult.  

So what makes being an adult so hard??  Honestly. What makes so many people say it’s hard to be an adult? Well when I graduated into the adult world the things that made it hard were living paycheck to paycheck under a pile of debt, for some a mountain, and finding a place to live.  But if that is the macro of finances and jobs and doing what it takes to stay alive, we can look at the micro. The day to day things that make it “hard.”

For me 90% of what makes my life hard in the minute by minute category is just making decisions.  When the alarm goes off I have a decision. Do I lay here for 20 min, or do I get up and get coffee and get going. Do I do the laundry now or hope I get inspired to do it later. Do I scrub this dish now or let it soak, because it’ll be easier after it’s been sitting in dirty soap water for 3 days. — it won’t be–  Really what becomes hard for us as we transition into being full fledged adults is learning to make decisions about everything. Mom and Dad aren’t here to tell us to pick up our clothes, and decide what we are having for dinner. They aren’t here to tell us that’s enough time on the computer and to go outside.

Every day I find myself choosing to do more and more “adult” things.  I choose to work on the house more instead of watch TV. I choose to read more instead of play video games. I choose to get dressed up and go out on a date instead of go to the bars until 3 am. Shoot, just this week I rushed home, put on some classical music and read a book. About  a half hour in I thought “I can’t believe I am this excited to be a 70 year old man.”  I think most everyone goes through these “growing up” phases in their own way. (some don’t go through it, and they tend to get left behind.)  We get older and our interests change. What makes us happy changes. We see the things we did as kids 5, 10, 20 years ago and those things no longer satisfy us. 

Our relationships work in the same way. At first it is fast paced, exciting, reckless even, young. It can be full of fun and challenges. You can’t sleep, you can’t work, all you can do is think about how much you love this woman. But that  immature Romeo and Juliet love fades. That “if I can’t have her I don’t know what I will do, but it will likely end with 7 people dead in a matter of 3 days,” type of love.It has to fade. Our souls, minds, and bodies crave something deeper. We all know the relationships the flame like Burning Man and then shortly after one or both people get bored and the relationship ends.

When the honeymoon phase calms down what does that look like?  Well boys, it looks like hard work.  This is the point where boys become men, and men become husbands.  At this point the invisible force of joy and excitement we call love has tempered down to a slight breeze and this is where “Love” needs to become intentional.  The great thing about this, is that there is now work, sweat, tears, and blood behind your words when you tell your wife you love her.  

Love is a tricky word.  We as a society pretty much love everything now.  I love pizza. I love food. I loved that movie. I love this song. I love these shoes. I love that actor/comedian/singer/celebrity that didn’t do anything to get famous.  This use of the word isn’t wrong, but it has no meat to it. It has no feeling behind it anymore. When was the last time you looked your wife in the eyes, studied them for a moment, and said with all the feeling of trust and heart and soul you can muster, “I love you.?”  DO it now! Go. I’ll wait. And when she asks what that was for, tell her she needed to know.  Wives, if you’re reading this nothing is stopping you from doing the same thing!

Right there you were faced with a choice. One of those hard adult choices. You either did or didn’t. You either chose to do just a little bit of work that would have been meaningful, or you chose to stay still and keep the status quo. My hope is that you made the meaningful choice. It’s an ideal choice. Little effort, maximum reward.

When Alle and I started dating we had that exciting whirlwind love.  I’d venture to say we still have it, but it’s more evolved. It’s intimate. It’s a knowing love.  It’s a sacrificial love. It truly is a love where we both focus on the good of the other.  That sounds so much more dramatic than it really is. It is a love that is fueled by little gestures and by speaking each others love language.

That’s why you need to figure out her love language.  This week I cracked Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t picked it up and read it you should. It has great info in it.  Chapters 1-3 cover this same topic.  The maturation of a relationship.  He covers a small topic he calls “the love tank.” It is basically a metaphor for how loved your spouse feels. It’s a gas tank.  The only way to fill it up is by speaking your wife’s love language on a regular basis.  Guess what buttercup, you’re going to have to do some work here and figure out what her language is.  There are a few ways to do this, Google “love languages,” go buy the book, or most amazingly…… go ask your wife. Really. Go talk to her tonight and ask her what she needs to feel loved. I will continue to say this to my dying day, the more you talk to you wife about her needs, wants, and desires, no matter the topic, the healthier your relationship will be.

I was blessed to have married a woman that had already read this book, so when the topic came up about what I need to do to make sure she feels loved, she was able to rattle it off right away.  This was a key conversation for me and Alle, and thankfully, one that we regularly check in with each other on.  It took a while and some hurt feelings and some misunderstandings for us to get to a point where we can say freely “I need you to do this more,” or, “I feel really loved when you do/say this …”  

That’s hard work. Hard work for us both. I had to make the hard choice to initiate the hard work.  Alle made it clear from the beginning she was looking for a leader. A leader in the relationship, a leader in the home, a leader in conversations. That meant I had to lose a lot of pride and be willing to initiate hard conversations in a loving manner.  When I learned how to refocus my view of hard conversations from “I have to be right,” to “I have to find a truthful answer” they became much easier to have.  We argued less, we listened to each other and understood that feelings are feelings and they are justified to have, that doesn’t’ make anyone more right or more wrong.

On the flip side of this, Alle and I have an understanding that I often need to be the leader, but that doesn’t give her a reason to be passive about everything.  We both take ownership of our relationship.  In fact, since I have let go of that fear of initiating the hard things, it has built a trust between us that has allowed Alle to be able to initiate things that are hard whenever she needs to without fear of rejection or reproach.  Men if you lead by example and follow the golden rule when times get tough, you will be surprised that the outcome will more often than not be a good one.

This is how you go from being a child that your wife has to care for mentally, emotionally, physically, to a man. Once you figure out how to stop being a man sized child that needs his wife to do everything for him, you can now be a man sized man that does things for himself.  Once you master that you get to be a husband that takes care of his wife and family.  

But it all starts with one step, one choice to take action. That should be you saying “I love you,” and kissing your wife like you just said “I Do.” Everything after that is baby steps. But it is time to grow up and be a man and a husband and turn those baby steps into man steps.  If you want things to change, for you to be closer to your wife, for you to say and mean “my wife is my best friend,” it all starts here. Make the choices to go and make it happen, otherwise … what are you even doing here?

Hero to Zero

This week I was granted, through much pain and anguish by my wife, the opportunity to practice being a Darling Husband. Gents, I have a question…  Ever been around your wife when she has injured herself on accident?  Sure you have.  Maybe she stubbed her toe on a corner. Maybe she hit her shin on the coffee table. Maybe you have kids and you watched her nearly die stepping on a Lego.  

Alle is what I like to think of as a “injury sufferer.”  My injuries are small and frequent hardly needing anything more than ice, sports wraps, or bandages.  Whereas Alle’s are few but traumatic.  We have been married since September and been dating (note that is an active word) for a little over 2 years now.  I can recall only two times where Alle has injured herself in a grave way. The first time was grabbing a hot baking pan. The second and most recent involved her thumb and a mandolin slicer.  

Both injuries happened while I wasn’t present in the room.   I think anyone can agree that when you hear a yell of pain from a loved one from another room your heart rate explodes, your brain races and all you can focus on for the next 10 seconds is getting in that room to assess and help.  

To see anyone seriously injured bending over the sink is never an easy situation, but that is especially true when it’s your wife. I would like to think that in the moments just after these injuries anyone would have responded the same. “I will get the bandages and gauze and we’ll make sure the bleeding stops and tape it up. Then we can go from there.”  Which is exactly what happened. She sliced the tip of her thumb clean off. I grabbed the gauze, the medical tape, and bandaged her right up. I grabbed the Tylenol, and an ice pack to mitigate the pain. A job well done!

But what’s the “from there” look like? For me it has been changing bandages twice a day and late night runs for gauze, tape, and meds.  It has been cutting tape gently and patiently on a patient that is in real pain. It’s calling the doctor and talking about what happened and scheduling a last min appointment to easy worries.

The “from there” is service. At first it was “what can I do for you to make your life better?? please please let me serve you,” but by day 4 it was “give me your hand. Stop moving. Just let me do this. If you can’t keep still I’ll have to hold you down.”

Whoa…. where did this attitude come from? Where did my patience go? Had I really gotten tired of trying to be the hero so quickly?

I can not explain how lucky I am that my wife has no problem telling me what she needs and when she needs it. In a moment where I just wanted to tape up her thumb as quickly as I could she was quick to remind me “hey this still really hurts and it hurts a lot when you just grab me and throw stuff on here. I know you handle things differently but I need you to be gentle.”

 

BOOM. HEADSHOT.

 

What a realization moment that was for me.  This whole week I have had the opportunity to serve my wife in a loving and caring manner, but I somehow turned that into a me thing. Here my wife is with an injury to her thumb, arguably the most important digit, and she is just asking me to sacrifice literally minutes of my time to be caring and loving and I somehow couldn’t get over myself to serve her in the way she needed.  I’m lucky enough that Alle was comfortable enough to tell me, “hey thank you for doing what you are doing, but do it better for me.”

After she said this all I could think was “whatever you do for the least, you do for Me,” and the imagery of Jesus washing the feet wouldn’t leave my mind.  Now I don’t regard Alle as the least of anything but here I was presented with an opportunity to serve my wife, insodoing, I would be serving my God as well. I almost missed an incredible chance to show love and charity, to be Christ like, to my wife of all people! Sometimes a little perspective is all we need to hit the reset button on our brain.  

Today ,Feb 26, Pope Francis addressed a conference on the theme of an encyclical written by Pope Benedict XVI Deus Caritas Est, or God is Love.  I encourage you to read it, but the Pope reminds us that “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (Jn 15:13).  This even applies to husbands and wives. This verse should serve as a reminder to us all that our duty as husbands is to lay down our lives for our wives, even in the smallest ways.  To put down our wants and needs in order to better serve our wives is just a reflection of how we can serve Christ on a daily basis.  When your wife sees your genuine sacrifice I promise you she will want to sacrifice for you in the same ways. When both parties in a marriage are willing to die to themselves, big or small, the marriage will start to become reliant on both partners. What you give up to your wife you will get back from her by her own sacrifice.  

To my fellow Darling Husbands, find a time this week, especially during lent, to serve your wife. Big or little it doesn’t matter. Buy flowers, make dinner, write a letter, rub her feet, change a bandage, clean the floors, clean the bathroom, take time that you would normally take for yourself and do something for your wife and your marriage. Do it without an expectation of something in return and tell her you love her.  Let’s shake off the “ME ME ME” shroud, humble ourselves as husbands, sacrifice for the good of the marriage, and reap the benefits of being a living example of Christ.  I dare you.

4:30 AM

I woke up at 4:30 AM this morning after a fitful sleep. I rolled over and thought I would just be able to go back to sleep. “If I just close my eyes I’ll drift back to sleep and next thing I know my alarm will go off and I’ll be rested.” I looked back at the clock. 4:32 AM.  2 hours to go until my alarm goes off and I did what every “normal” 29 year old adult does; I laid there hoping, praying, that I would just fall asleep.

One of the amazing things about being half asleep half awake is that the mind is able to function normally without all the regular stimulus to distract it. That’s exactly what my mind did. It raced back and forth, from “Why the hell did I think I can start an organic garden,” to “I really hate not eating Pizza Rolls, this new diet sucks.” I eventually landed on a conversation I had with my wife earlier that evening.

 

Alle told me about something she read earlier that day where a woman  had somewhere important to go and wanted to get her hair done and a manicure. Simple and easy. Any woman reading will agree, “Yes that makes sense, she wants to look nice.”  This particular woman asked her husband if it was ok. He said no. Not “we can’t afford it,” or “this is the third time this month for this stuff.” The wife indicates she hasn’t done any personal pampering in 9 months, and they can easily afford it. I’m sure there was more to it, at least I hope there was, but that’s all we know.

Well obviously (to me) I think that’s ridiculous. Why would he say no?  At the risk of sounding like a kiss ass, I love it when my wife goes to get her hair and nails done. I encourage it on the regular. Here’s why. When she feels pretty I benefit.  It’s an entirely selfishly selfless thing for me to do. And she loves doing it.  She gets her hair cut and colored every 3 months and spends plenty of time getting her nails done, and ever time she comes home going “look at how pretty I am!” and I get to tell her “I love it! You look beautiful.”

We Both Win. 

So When I hear about a husband that forbids his wife from doing something that will benefit them both my first impression is “Wow seems kind of cold of the husband.” My second impression is “That husband is an idiot.” And my third thought is “why doesn’t the wife tell the husband it’s important?” But I don’t really know the circumstances. The only thing I know is that this woman didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to her husband about how this bothered her. It made me wonder if I’ve ever done something like that to my wife. Have I ever just shut her down without thinking about it? I can’t think of anything off the top of my head… why is that? It must be a good thing I guess.

These are the things that kept me up this morning, the stupidity of this guy, and wondering if I was just as stupid.  But I know from my own experience, that the most glaring thing here that bugs me is the lack of communication between husband and wife. She wants something, asks him, he says no, she’s hurt and turns away to the internet for advice. This is all too common in our generation. Why are people so scared to say what they feel to their spouses?  Maybe it’s because the issue will go away on it’s own, or we won’t have to deal with it if we ignore it. Maybe it’s because the internet is full of sympathy. Maybe your spouse is a jerk that yells and screams a lot (both men and women are capable of that kind of abuse.)

Alle and I very early on in our dating concentrated on communication. I’m proud to say we communicate very well, but much like any actual skill it takes practice, time to develop, and a fine tuning on a regular basis. It’s not an achievement that can be finished. It is an on going and ever changing process that requires both spouses to be active in.

It is certainly not easy.  It is hard. It is really hard. It is awkward at times, and it is so so beneficial when you finally click and get the hang of it. I think our focus on communication is likely why I can’t think of any time that I shut her down or she shut me down, because we talk about things we want. More importantly we discuss things we need. Whenever we are asked what the most important aspect of our relationship is we answer unanimously “communication.”

I saw someone on a website I frequent put up “My wife thanked me today for putting my phone away for dinner….the battery was dead.” Are you kidding me? Everyone is guilty of taking their phone out for one reason or another. I am guilty. You are guilty. Even if someone told me they have never ever taken their phone out while eating with someone else I wouldn’t believe them. But to have it escalate to this point?

Get it together. … I actually said that outloud to myself at this guy. Get it together. If you are behind a screen so much so that to not be in front of it is considered an achievement you have major problems. I will bet my bottom dollar that relationship is not in a good spot.

I’m putting the onus of this on the man. GUYS put your damn phone away and ask your wife or girlfriend or whoever how their day was. Look them in the eye and nod as you listen. Respond with words that are formed from thoughts that were given to you by what you have heard! No more of this attitude of “all she does is complain about work and talk about blah blah blah.” You’d be amazed at what could happen if you just say what comes to your mind in response to listening to your wife.

You may be sitting there thinking, that’s all well and good but communication is a two way street. You are correct. It is a two way street. You have to give and take. Someone has to start. Someone has to LEAD. And just like you can’t always wait for her to pick up your dirty underwear you can’t always wait for her to start the conversation.  I promise once you change your behavior for good, she will see it and follow.

A large part of communication for Alle and me is being able to do self checks. The best self checks come right after arguments. Once the heat dies down it helps so much to say to yourself “What did I do to cause this, and what can I do to prevent this later on?” Better yet, ask your wife.  WHOO the benefits of talking about your deficiencies and your weaknesses with your wife are amazing. It is hard. It is scary admitting “I did things wrong what do I need to do to make them better.” But I promise it will bring you closer. It gets easier.

You are already in a relationship. Sack up and act like it. This goes especially for the married. You committed to that person for a reason. To share your life together. So share your life! Take interest in what they do and say. Even when you don’t like it, or “it isn’t your thing”. She’s your wife, so whatever her thing is it’s yours too now, and that is a good thing. Listen to what she has to say and respond. Talk about everything.  You can break any wall down, break any barrier, and truly learn to love your wife wholly if you just start by talking.

Here’s a quick and easy list of things to do.

1. Ask “How was your day?” First thing when everyone gets settled in from work. If you get “Fine,” follow it up with another question. “How is ..what’s her face?” “What project are you working on?” “What is frustrating you at work?” You’re clever, so I’m sure you’ll take it from there
2. Cook together.  Holy smokes did our relationship change when I started just hanging out in the kitchen with her.  After a few weeks I just grabbed the big knife (because knives are cool) and said “I’m your sous chef now! Give me things to cut!”
3. Walk/Run/Bike/ do something active together. Get yourself together, get up and get out. There are 10 million apps that you can use for fitness, but take the earphones out and just try to enjoy the person next to you. Alle and I started our relationship early by running and some of our most important conversations were spurred but just being next to each other in the silence.

 

I’m glad communities exist out there for women and men to be able to type their concerns out, to seek wisdom of others, to solve problems they are having. It is so important for us as people to be able to seek out solutions. But other people will not communicate for you. This is the time to put on your big boy pants and talk to your woman. Be a man. Take care of your woman. If you are married take care of your family, even if your family is only 2.