I want it all…

5’10”. approximately 220 lbs. Bald. Muscular build. He had a red T-shirt on displaying the name of his alma mater, designer blue jeans and expensive looking boots. On his wrist was, what i can only assume to be, an expensive designer gold watch. It was hard to miss since it was easily over 44mm, that and it was about as gold as gold can get in the jewelry world.

You see Watson, the larger the watch the more manly the man. It’s elementary. 

This guy was loud, and boisterous, making and laughing at a lot of jokes. With a beer in one hand and all the flair of telling an impressive story about how he just recently bought something expensive in the other hand.   As I watched him sidled up to two young women at a table, pull a chair up without invitation, whip out a money clip stacked with $20s and proceed to start buying them drinks I couldn’t help but think about what goes on when he’s not at the bar or the gym.

What’s this guy do for a living? Judging by the cover, he must have some really good job to be able to afford all that stuff, and have all that cash on hand.  I wonder what he drives. I bet it’s nicer than my car.  Shoot everything I can see on him is nicer than anything I own.  I bet his shoes cost over $200 and his jeans nearly the same. He’s certainly a lot stronger than I am…..I bet he has abs….. I wish I had abs, but I don’t ever have the time to do work on them.

But wait!! THERE’S MORE!!!

This is my whole train of thought.  This went on for a while until Alle snapped me back into reality. Then I realized something. I do this all the time.  When people talk about struggles with self-image, it is usually about women. Not many people give thought to the fact that men have a lot of the same issues.  But it’s not always a body envy issue, at least not for me.  I always find myself comparing things. Cars, clothes, houses, jobs, income etc…

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t necessarily know it, but I am constantly sizing other men up.  Making snap judgments based on what I can see in a passing glance to see if I’m better off.  Taking a larger look at how this plays into my everyday life, it seems that I’m drawing my self-worth on how I stack up to strangers  that I’ll never see again. That’s bonkers.

I want to tell you that this is all someone elses fault.  I’m a product of society! I was born into a culture that is “Get Get Get!” To some extent that must be true.  The guy with the nice car, clothes, and money seems to always get the girl.  On the other hand, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors for those people, for this guy at the bar that in every measure I can see, except I have hair so ha!, I don’t match up to.

 

Maybe he’s born with it…

This week I spent most of my free thinking time trying to discern where I truly get my self-worth from.  Alle helps a lot because she’s fantastic at verbally praising me. As the day goes on, those praises don’t sustain my self worth, so what else does.  My job is great and I love what I do, but everyone has bad days, and I can go home feeling pretty worthless on those days.

So my job gives me self-worth, but not always. I can find my worth in my relationship, which is great, but I still find myself with a longing for something deeper.  I know no matter what pair of jeans, or fancy watch I have eventually that feeling will fade, and my watch box is already full.

So where do I feel whole? What fills that void that my job, my income, my stuff can’t fill?

And the answer is….

Christ is the easy answer (bet you didn’t see that coming).  I feel whole and confident when I talk about my faith, or when I pray, or when I attend the Holy Mass. I feel whole when I can find ways to serve Alle, just doing little chores, or big things like repainting a room(I’ll do it later this month I promise!). I find my worth because it brings me closer to Alle, and when I can do it in a prayerful state of mind to serve her like Joseph served Mary, it brings me closer to Christ.

I always ask St. Joseph to pray for me.  I think every husband should.  Wives ask  St. Joseph to pray for your husband.  He needs it.  I know for certain my daily reading on St. Joseph has helped me just this past week with this outward focus, and to turn it inward. This whole week every time I have sized someone up, I have had the voice in my  head repeat over and over, “You sufficiently provide for your family. That is enough.”

Being able to tell myself that what I do, and what I have is more than enough for myself and Alle, and our future children, has helped put me at ease. Of all the times in the year I picked December to start thinking about what I have is enough, I can ignore that sweet deal on the hover board.

BUT THEY ARE SO COOL!

What I’ve learned, and it’s a lesson that keeps being taught to me, is that I don’t need things. I need my faith. I need my family. I need my friends.  To love and to serve with humility is really what gives me inner peace.  To know that I can always put those three things before myself gives me a sense of duty and wholeness that nothing I buy can.

I encourage everyone to take some time and ask God for some humility to accept what you have as sufficient.  I know I am.  I am asking God to help me be more like St. Joseph and know that working hard and providing for my family with a prayerful mind will be enough. It really is the season of giving, and I know that if we all give a little bit, we can all feel how much we will be getting.

Here’s your Joy!

E is for Foundation.

I remember my dad telling me when I was younger that the proper way to build a house is to pour the foundation and let it sit for a year.  The neighborhood I grew up in was only ⅓ developed when my family moved there so I always had the great fortune to go explore half built houses with my dad.  

Mom and Dad are going to love the ball pit addition.

 

It was always amazing to walk through the space that would normally be the front door, into the skeleton of an unfinished house. Walking on the subflooring and looking up straight into what would later be the attic gave me an odd sense of uneasiness. Breathing in the  smell of fresh cut lumber mixed with dirt and the vague hint of concrete dust floating in the air always dried my mouth out. It was hard as a young kid to picture what the finished product of the house would look like when all you could see was space, frames, wires, and ducts.  

My dad would take me through the house and explain everything that was happening. “This wire is a power line. They will have an outlet here.  This line is for plumbing, we are standing in the bathroom.  That pipe there is for cold water and probably going to run to the sink in the kitchen.”

I couldn’t picture any of that.  

I would always wonder what  the family that would move into that place would be like. Are they going to be happy or sad? Will it be filled with jokes and laughter at a dinner table?  Will they have a huge TVor a dog? Will the kids all get their own rooms? Would the kids get a TV in their room?

This will be my bathroom attached to my closet. Your stuff can go in the closet under the basement stairs.

Of course it’s really hard to see the big picture of something by looking at the small details as a kid.   Shoot it’s hard as an adult to sit and think about the nuts and bolts of life and plan them according to an outcome that you want.  

Now that I’m a homeowner, and have to fix things on my own, I’m more inclined to think about cracks in walls, proper insulation and wondering if the house has a basement.  The one thing I always think about whenever I enter a house though is the foundation.  Was it poured and left to settle in the newly disturbed soil? Or was the construction rushed leaving the the foundation to settle at different rates in different spots?

Taking the time to have a proper foundation won’t prevent things from going wrong, but a solid foundation can certainly make life a lot easier in the long run.  Without the proper foundation for whatever it is you’re going to struggle through it.  

I remember a few years ago I ran the Indy Mini Marathon.  13.1 miles.  I trained for 4 months for it.  I finished in an 1:45. I’m proud of that.  I found out a buddy of mine ran it too and hadn’t trained one day for it.  Took him almost 4 hours to finish.  

Crossed the line… COUNT IT!

Hey at least he finished right? Good for him.  It took him a lot longer, and I’m sure the next day he felt all 4 months of my pain that I trained away.  In my house we would call that a Darling Husband Job.  

Dar·lingˈ- Hus·band – Job

därliNG/  ˈhəzbənd/ jäb/

Adjective

1. The act of jumping into a task with little to no prior knowledge or prep which leads to a longer and more expensive solution than anticipated.

“Honey I found the leak in the tube. The guy at the hardware store said all I have to do is cut the tube here, and then put these fittings on. I’m pretty sure I can fix this.”

Always wear your safety gear for fixing the sink.

I don’t mind doing a DH job on something around the house. It gives me a chance to be handy and learn something new about home ownership.   There are a million things I find myself wishing weren’t a DH job though.  I think “if only I had started this years ago and had the stuck with it, this would be so much easier now.”  

If only I had stayed true to my vow to do 50 push-ups every day, I’d be really strong now.  Made that promise to myself in junior high.  18 years later, I’d be doing push-ups like Gaston.  If only I had started reading everyday when I was in elementary school, most of my books wouldn’t need pictures in them now.  If only…. Well you get the idea.  If I had only started something then, I’d be great at it now.

I don’t have the ability to go back and say “GET IT TOGETHER! Do the hard work now and in 18 years your future self won’t have to worry about getting started, he will already have laid the foundation for being strong and smart and awesome.”

I do have today though. And so do you. This is the day that we buck up and put on our big boy pants.  This is the day we do push-ups until our arms shake. Today we pick up that book and read something. Today we pick up the pen and write something.   Today we pick that one thing that has been sitting our minds and take the time to do it.  Don’t say there isn’t time. There is if you make it.

Today we walk through the bare bones of our own house, picture what we want that  place to be, and start building the foundation for it.  It is time to stop being boys who wish for things to be easy, and our chance to be men who recognize weakness and change it to greatness.  

One of my favorite quotes growing up as an athlete was “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  I thought that mostly was meant for muscles.  It applies to everything in my life now. It is a mindset now.  I have to put forth a tremendous amount of effort now to be a fearless man.  

Be this kind of Ted. Not this kind

 

It takes effort to think of others and put family first.  It takes effort to get off the couch and into the yard. It takes a lot of effort to do push-ups, pull-ups and sit-ups. It takes effort to pray on your own, and as a family daily. It takes effort to better yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

This is my idea of a modern fearless man.  A man that can take care of himself and his family mentally physically and spiritually.  One that thirsts for ways to make himself and everyone around him better.  One that isn’t afraid to learn new things, make mistakes, and get dirty. A man that recognizes his ability to lead and isn’t afraid to give that position up.  Something we as men are constantly being told we must surrender.  

We have ended up with guys who make their wives put down the dog because they “can’t handle something that sad” because we as men have been convinced that our wives are the absolute leaders of the family and it’s ok to be treated and act like another child. That’s why so many people say to dads now, “Oh you must be babysitting while mommy is away!”  Men aren’t even expected to parent anymore.  

 

If men aren’t even expected to actually parent anymore, there’s no surprise that they have no problem not getting mother’s day gifts for their wives, or going out with their buddies every night while the Mrs. stays home with the 4 kids.  

At Home Dad.org

This is what we are told a modern man looks like.  A passive part of the family that wives are in charge of.  We aren’t even expected to put any effort into our world outside of work.

Effort is the foundation of what it takes to be a true modern man. It’s not worth doing if you aren’t going to put in the effort, and the reward for that effort will always be great than doing nothing at all. Effort is certainly the foundation of what it takes to be a husband.  And even though I have no kids, I’m going to go ahead and assume that this foundation will be necessary when I do.  

When the effort isn’t made to build a house correctly, cracks begin to form in the walls, doors begin to jam, leaks form spring from the foundation soon after it’s built. Over time every house settles, and we all have to do maintenance. If you’re not making the effort to maintain your house and home, it’ll only be a matter of time before it all comes crumbling down.

Take charge of  your weakness. Turn it into a greatness.  Start small, with a little perseverance we can make that small fix into a habit, and that habit into a virtue.  

Consider this your first brick.

 

 

You do you, I’ll do me.

“You do you. I’ll do me.” “You’re a grown ass man.” “I’ll be here if you want to join.” “I’m good, I’ll pass.” I find myself saying that more and more to people. It’s really turning into a mantra now.  I find it to be the case because as I get older, and I have grown closer to my wife, I’ve started to change my definition of happy.  

For a long time I was happy being the tag along. The go with the flow guy. I was always up for whatever, and people always asked me to go and do whatever it was. I could only be that guy with other people around though. I had played that roll for so long that it left me at odds with myself when I was alone. I didn’t really know how to do it.

Bad Luck Brian strikes again….

Over the past few years I’ve somewhat flipped the switch. It’s made some people uncomfortable that I’m not always willing to go with their flow. I’m no longer the down for whatever anyone else wants to do guy.  I have to tell you I like not being that guy anymore. There is a freedom I have now that my comfort isn’t tied to anyone other than me and my wife.

It’s not a perfect system, and it’s not as rigid as it might seem.  I am still pretty laid back and willing to go with the flow. I have, however, learned to take control of that flow and choose what part of it I want to affect me and leave the rest. It has helped me develop a new confidence in myself.  

Me in every job interview. 

I am still, and will be for a long time, in the process of developing this quiet confidence. That inner strength that I can draw from. I owe that solely to a strong constant practice of introspection. The practice has been fueled by tragic events, by an unwavering encouragement from Alle, and a strong reliance on my faith.

This introspection has been critical for me being able to find my principles. It has helped me define the core values that I want to live my life by.  It has given me the confidence to be a better husband. To work to be a better husband. To take a stand, not only for myself, but for my wife and one day our children. Who doesn’t want to be a man to look up to?

 

It’s also been a scathing process to really challenge the way I see myself.  I have had to make hard choices. I have had to cut people right out of my life. The drama filled people. The people that are stuck in a negative or childlike frame of mind. The people that just refuse to grow up. The people who get down in the mud and try to pull everyone down with them.

Tuck and roll Timmy!!

One of the major side effects of this new found attitude I have been trying to cultivate over the past few years has been compassion.  Being able to be compassionate for other people and not make it about me.  “I don’t believe in God.” A friend of mine said that to me recently, and there’s no way I was going to respond “Well you do you man.” He needed someone to listen and I had no problem listening. If I had not had the conviction in my faith that I have been working on, I don’t know how I would have reacted to a statement like that. Who knows, maybe I would have agreed.

What I do know is that the more I look into my own principles, my own reliance, the more I’m able to stand up for myself and my beliefs. Not in an argumentative defensive way, but in a way that allows me to speak with authority. It has created some really in depth conversations about life and being a husband. It has helped me see where others are weak, and where they are strong. It’s given me an opportunity to share my world with others and glean knowledge from them that I can use.

No wonder he’s man’s best friend. 

We live in a gray world. Nothing is as black and white as we’d like it to be.  Without core values to live by, it becomes easy to be gray in a gray world.  I don’t mind taking my stance on things and finding my anchors in the definite black and whites.  That’s how I can stay in the flow but not be a part of it.  

There’s a black and white truthfulness about the phrase “You do you, I’ll do me.” It’s an attitude, that is invigorating and empowering. I can only control myself and my actions. To those that are in my direct sphere of influence, I can do my best to please and make happy, but I can’t control their happiness, more importantly they can’t control mine.

There is prayer that I find myself saying quite often. I am asking for help in accepting things that can’t be changed, changing things that can be, and wisdom to know the difference.  It’s a simple prayer. Most know it as the Serenity Prayer. I encourage you when you face a difficult situation, or feel like you might be letting someone down because you have chosen to do something you wanted to do, to say this prayer. You do you the best you know how.  I’ll do me to the best of my ability.