5’10”. approximately 220 lbs. Bald. Muscular build. He had a red T-shirt on displaying the name of his alma mater, designer blue jeans and expensive looking boots. On his wrist was, what i can only assume to be, an expensive designer gold watch. It was hard to miss since it was easily over 44mm, that and it was about as gold as gold can get in the jewelry world.
You see Watson, the larger the watch the more manly the man. It’s elementary.
This guy was loud, and boisterous, making and laughing at a lot of jokes. With a beer in one hand and all the flair of telling an impressive story about how he just recently bought something expensive in the other hand. As I watched him sidled up to two young women at a table, pull a chair up without invitation, whip out a money clip stacked with $20s and proceed to start buying them drinks I couldn’t help but think about what goes on when he’s not at the bar or the gym.
What’s this guy do for a living? Judging by the cover, he must have some really good job to be able to afford all that stuff, and have all that cash on hand. I wonder what he drives. I bet it’s nicer than my car. Shoot everything I can see on him is nicer than anything I own. I bet his shoes cost over $200 and his jeans nearly the same. He’s certainly a lot stronger than I am…..I bet he has abs….. I wish I had abs, but I don’t ever have the time to do work on them.
But wait!! THERE’S MORE!!!
This is my whole train of thought. This went on for a while until Alle snapped me back into reality. Then I realized something. I do this all the time. When people talk about struggles with self-image, it is usually about women. Not many people give thought to the fact that men have a lot of the same issues. But it’s not always a body envy issue, at least not for me. I always find myself comparing things. Cars, clothes, houses, jobs, income etc…
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t necessarily know it, but I am constantly sizing other men up. Making snap judgments based on what I can see in a passing glance to see if I’m better off. Taking a larger look at how this plays into my everyday life, it seems that I’m drawing my self-worth on how I stack up to strangers that I’ll never see again. That’s bonkers.
I want to tell you that this is all someone elses fault. I’m a product of society! I was born into a culture that is “Get Get Get!” To some extent that must be true. The guy with the nice car, clothes, and money seems to always get the girl. On the other hand, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors for those people, for this guy at the bar that in every measure I can see, except I have hair so ha!, I don’t match up to.
Maybe he’s born with it…
This week I spent most of my free thinking time trying to discern where I truly get my self-worth from. Alle helps a lot because she’s fantastic at verbally praising me. As the day goes on, those praises don’t sustain my self worth, so what else does. My job is great and I love what I do, but everyone has bad days, and I can go home feeling pretty worthless on those days.
So my job gives me self-worth, but not always. I can find my worth in my relationship, which is great, but I still find myself with a longing for something deeper. I know no matter what pair of jeans, or fancy watch I have eventually that feeling will fade, and my watch box is already full.
So where do I feel whole? What fills that void that my job, my income, my stuff can’t fill?
And the answer is….
Christ is the easy answer (bet you didn’t see that coming). I feel whole and confident when I talk about my faith, or when I pray, or when I attend the Holy Mass. I feel whole when I can find ways to serve Alle, just doing little chores, or big things like repainting a room(I’ll do it later this month I promise!). I find my worth because it brings me closer to Alle, and when I can do it in a prayerful state of mind to serve her like Joseph served Mary, it brings me closer to Christ.
I always ask St. Joseph to pray for me. I think every husband should. Wives ask St. Joseph to pray for your husband. He needs it. I know for certain my daily reading on St. Joseph has helped me just this past week with this outward focus, and to turn it inward. This whole week every time I have sized someone up, I have had the voice in my head repeat over and over, “You sufficiently provide for your family. That is enough.”
Being able to tell myself that what I do, and what I have is more than enough for myself and Alle, and our future children, has helped put me at ease. Of all the times in the year I picked December to start thinking about what I have is enough, I can ignore that sweet deal on the hover board.
BUT THEY ARE SO COOL!
What I’ve learned, and it’s a lesson that keeps being taught to me, is that I don’t need things. I need my faith. I need my family. I need my friends. To love and to serve with humility is really what gives me inner peace. To know that I can always put those three things before myself gives me a sense of duty and wholeness that nothing I buy can.
I encourage everyone to take some time and ask God for some humility to accept what you have as sufficient. I know I am. I am asking God to help me be more like St. Joseph and know that working hard and providing for my family with a prayerful mind will be enough. It really is the season of giving, and I know that if we all give a little bit, we can all feel how much we will be getting.
Darling Husband 