Hero to Zero

This week I was granted, through much pain and anguish by my wife, the opportunity to practice being a Darling Husband. Gents, I have a question…  Ever been around your wife when she has injured herself on accident?  Sure you have.  Maybe she stubbed her toe on a corner. Maybe she hit her shin on the coffee table. Maybe you have kids and you watched her nearly die stepping on a Lego.  

Alle is what I like to think of as a “injury sufferer.”  My injuries are small and frequent hardly needing anything more than ice, sports wraps, or bandages.  Whereas Alle’s are few but traumatic.  We have been married since September and been dating (note that is an active word) for a little over 2 years now.  I can recall only two times where Alle has injured herself in a grave way. The first time was grabbing a hot baking pan. The second and most recent involved her thumb and a mandolin slicer.  

Both injuries happened while I wasn’t present in the room.   I think anyone can agree that when you hear a yell of pain from a loved one from another room your heart rate explodes, your brain races and all you can focus on for the next 10 seconds is getting in that room to assess and help.  

To see anyone seriously injured bending over the sink is never an easy situation, but that is especially true when it’s your wife. I would like to think that in the moments just after these injuries anyone would have responded the same. “I will get the bandages and gauze and we’ll make sure the bleeding stops and tape it up. Then we can go from there.”  Which is exactly what happened. She sliced the tip of her thumb clean off. I grabbed the gauze, the medical tape, and bandaged her right up. I grabbed the Tylenol, and an ice pack to mitigate the pain. A job well done!

But what’s the “from there” look like? For me it has been changing bandages twice a day and late night runs for gauze, tape, and meds.  It has been cutting tape gently and patiently on a patient that is in real pain. It’s calling the doctor and talking about what happened and scheduling a last min appointment to easy worries.

The “from there” is service. At first it was “what can I do for you to make your life better?? please please let me serve you,” but by day 4 it was “give me your hand. Stop moving. Just let me do this. If you can’t keep still I’ll have to hold you down.”

Whoa…. where did this attitude come from? Where did my patience go? Had I really gotten tired of trying to be the hero so quickly?

I can not explain how lucky I am that my wife has no problem telling me what she needs and when she needs it. In a moment where I just wanted to tape up her thumb as quickly as I could she was quick to remind me “hey this still really hurts and it hurts a lot when you just grab me and throw stuff on here. I know you handle things differently but I need you to be gentle.”

 

BOOM. HEADSHOT.

 

What a realization moment that was for me.  This whole week I have had the opportunity to serve my wife in a loving and caring manner, but I somehow turned that into a me thing. Here my wife is with an injury to her thumb, arguably the most important digit, and she is just asking me to sacrifice literally minutes of my time to be caring and loving and I somehow couldn’t get over myself to serve her in the way she needed.  I’m lucky enough that Alle was comfortable enough to tell me, “hey thank you for doing what you are doing, but do it better for me.”

After she said this all I could think was “whatever you do for the least, you do for Me,” and the imagery of Jesus washing the feet wouldn’t leave my mind.  Now I don’t regard Alle as the least of anything but here I was presented with an opportunity to serve my wife, insodoing, I would be serving my God as well. I almost missed an incredible chance to show love and charity, to be Christ like, to my wife of all people! Sometimes a little perspective is all we need to hit the reset button on our brain.  

Today ,Feb 26, Pope Francis addressed a conference on the theme of an encyclical written by Pope Benedict XVI Deus Caritas Est, or God is Love.  I encourage you to read it, but the Pope reminds us that “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (Jn 15:13).  This even applies to husbands and wives. This verse should serve as a reminder to us all that our duty as husbands is to lay down our lives for our wives, even in the smallest ways.  To put down our wants and needs in order to better serve our wives is just a reflection of how we can serve Christ on a daily basis.  When your wife sees your genuine sacrifice I promise you she will want to sacrifice for you in the same ways. When both parties in a marriage are willing to die to themselves, big or small, the marriage will start to become reliant on both partners. What you give up to your wife you will get back from her by her own sacrifice.  

To my fellow Darling Husbands, find a time this week, especially during lent, to serve your wife. Big or little it doesn’t matter. Buy flowers, make dinner, write a letter, rub her feet, change a bandage, clean the floors, clean the bathroom, take time that you would normally take for yourself and do something for your wife and your marriage. Do it without an expectation of something in return and tell her you love her.  Let’s shake off the “ME ME ME” shroud, humble ourselves as husbands, sacrifice for the good of the marriage, and reap the benefits of being a living example of Christ.  I dare you.

4:30 AM

I woke up at 4:30 AM this morning after a fitful sleep. I rolled over and thought I would just be able to go back to sleep. “If I just close my eyes I’ll drift back to sleep and next thing I know my alarm will go off and I’ll be rested.” I looked back at the clock. 4:32 AM.  2 hours to go until my alarm goes off and I did what every “normal” 29 year old adult does; I laid there hoping, praying, that I would just fall asleep.

One of the amazing things about being half asleep half awake is that the mind is able to function normally without all the regular stimulus to distract it. That’s exactly what my mind did. It raced back and forth, from “Why the hell did I think I can start an organic garden,” to “I really hate not eating Pizza Rolls, this new diet sucks.” I eventually landed on a conversation I had with my wife earlier that evening.

 

Alle told me about something she read earlier that day where a woman  had somewhere important to go and wanted to get her hair done and a manicure. Simple and easy. Any woman reading will agree, “Yes that makes sense, she wants to look nice.”  This particular woman asked her husband if it was ok. He said no. Not “we can’t afford it,” or “this is the third time this month for this stuff.” The wife indicates she hasn’t done any personal pampering in 9 months, and they can easily afford it. I’m sure there was more to it, at least I hope there was, but that’s all we know.

Well obviously (to me) I think that’s ridiculous. Why would he say no?  At the risk of sounding like a kiss ass, I love it when my wife goes to get her hair and nails done. I encourage it on the regular. Here’s why. When she feels pretty I benefit.  It’s an entirely selfishly selfless thing for me to do. And she loves doing it.  She gets her hair cut and colored every 3 months and spends plenty of time getting her nails done, and ever time she comes home going “look at how pretty I am!” and I get to tell her “I love it! You look beautiful.”

We Both Win. 

So When I hear about a husband that forbids his wife from doing something that will benefit them both my first impression is “Wow seems kind of cold of the husband.” My second impression is “That husband is an idiot.” And my third thought is “why doesn’t the wife tell the husband it’s important?” But I don’t really know the circumstances. The only thing I know is that this woman didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to her husband about how this bothered her. It made me wonder if I’ve ever done something like that to my wife. Have I ever just shut her down without thinking about it? I can’t think of anything off the top of my head… why is that? It must be a good thing I guess.

These are the things that kept me up this morning, the stupidity of this guy, and wondering if I was just as stupid.  But I know from my own experience, that the most glaring thing here that bugs me is the lack of communication between husband and wife. She wants something, asks him, he says no, she’s hurt and turns away to the internet for advice. This is all too common in our generation. Why are people so scared to say what they feel to their spouses?  Maybe it’s because the issue will go away on it’s own, or we won’t have to deal with it if we ignore it. Maybe it’s because the internet is full of sympathy. Maybe your spouse is a jerk that yells and screams a lot (both men and women are capable of that kind of abuse.)

Alle and I very early on in our dating concentrated on communication. I’m proud to say we communicate very well, but much like any actual skill it takes practice, time to develop, and a fine tuning on a regular basis. It’s not an achievement that can be finished. It is an on going and ever changing process that requires both spouses to be active in.

It is certainly not easy.  It is hard. It is really hard. It is awkward at times, and it is so so beneficial when you finally click and get the hang of it. I think our focus on communication is likely why I can’t think of any time that I shut her down or she shut me down, because we talk about things we want. More importantly we discuss things we need. Whenever we are asked what the most important aspect of our relationship is we answer unanimously “communication.”

I saw someone on a website I frequent put up “My wife thanked me today for putting my phone away for dinner….the battery was dead.” Are you kidding me? Everyone is guilty of taking their phone out for one reason or another. I am guilty. You are guilty. Even if someone told me they have never ever taken their phone out while eating with someone else I wouldn’t believe them. But to have it escalate to this point?

Get it together. … I actually said that outloud to myself at this guy. Get it together. If you are behind a screen so much so that to not be in front of it is considered an achievement you have major problems. I will bet my bottom dollar that relationship is not in a good spot.

I’m putting the onus of this on the man. GUYS put your damn phone away and ask your wife or girlfriend or whoever how their day was. Look them in the eye and nod as you listen. Respond with words that are formed from thoughts that were given to you by what you have heard! No more of this attitude of “all she does is complain about work and talk about blah blah blah.” You’d be amazed at what could happen if you just say what comes to your mind in response to listening to your wife.

You may be sitting there thinking, that’s all well and good but communication is a two way street. You are correct. It is a two way street. You have to give and take. Someone has to start. Someone has to LEAD. And just like you can’t always wait for her to pick up your dirty underwear you can’t always wait for her to start the conversation.  I promise once you change your behavior for good, she will see it and follow.

A large part of communication for Alle and me is being able to do self checks. The best self checks come right after arguments. Once the heat dies down it helps so much to say to yourself “What did I do to cause this, and what can I do to prevent this later on?” Better yet, ask your wife.  WHOO the benefits of talking about your deficiencies and your weaknesses with your wife are amazing. It is hard. It is scary admitting “I did things wrong what do I need to do to make them better.” But I promise it will bring you closer. It gets easier.

You are already in a relationship. Sack up and act like it. This goes especially for the married. You committed to that person for a reason. To share your life together. So share your life! Take interest in what they do and say. Even when you don’t like it, or “it isn’t your thing”. She’s your wife, so whatever her thing is it’s yours too now, and that is a good thing. Listen to what she has to say and respond. Talk about everything.  You can break any wall down, break any barrier, and truly learn to love your wife wholly if you just start by talking.

Here’s a quick and easy list of things to do.

1. Ask “How was your day?” First thing when everyone gets settled in from work. If you get “Fine,” follow it up with another question. “How is ..what’s her face?” “What project are you working on?” “What is frustrating you at work?” You’re clever, so I’m sure you’ll take it from there
2. Cook together.  Holy smokes did our relationship change when I started just hanging out in the kitchen with her.  After a few weeks I just grabbed the big knife (because knives are cool) and said “I’m your sous chef now! Give me things to cut!”
3. Walk/Run/Bike/ do something active together. Get yourself together, get up and get out. There are 10 million apps that you can use for fitness, but take the earphones out and just try to enjoy the person next to you. Alle and I started our relationship early by running and some of our most important conversations were spurred but just being next to each other in the silence.

 

I’m glad communities exist out there for women and men to be able to type their concerns out, to seek wisdom of others, to solve problems they are having. It is so important for us as people to be able to seek out solutions. But other people will not communicate for you. This is the time to put on your big boy pants and talk to your woman. Be a man. Take care of your woman. If you are married take care of your family, even if your family is only 2.